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Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Sexual Teachings of a Southern Baptist Preacher: Divine Orgasm


The Southern Baptist preacher began with the normal Christian sex stuff: sex is designed to happen inside the context of marriage, it was created for pleasure, it was created to point us toward Christ, it is a foreshadowing of the future joy and pleasure to be had in Christ, and some scripture was read. What came next was rather surprising. The pastor said that when we get married, we should always pray with our wives before we have sex, like this: "Dear Jesus, thank you for this pleasure that we are going to partake in. May it draw us closer together and closer to you. May it be pure, like your love for your bride, the church." Then the pastor says, "When you are having sex, you should be thinking about Jesus. You should be saying 'thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus.' Keep your mind on him."


I mentioned this story to a friend, and of course, he laughed hysterically. He said that if you're doing it right your partner would be saying 'thank you Jesus.' He also mentioned Pavlovian conditioning, and if the pastor thinks about Jesus every time he has sex, he'll probably respond with a boner every time he sees a crucifix. With this in mind, let's examine some seemingly innocent Christian phrases:

"Respond to Jesus"
"Let Jesus inside"
"Receive Jesus"
"Come into my heart"
"I am His and He is mine"
"Bring your desires to Jesus"
"Being slayed by the Spirit"
"He wants to fill that God sized hole"
"Make me yours"
"Filled with the Holy Ghost"
"Hallelujah"
"Do your best for Jesus"
"Give God what's rightfully His"
"Jesus may not give you what you want, but he will never let you down"

2 comments:

  1. to each his own. you seem to be particularly jealous of christians. just my humble opinion... based on the venom you constantly spew.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Every couple has an urge for physical intimacy which can bring them closer to their partner.
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    ReplyDelete