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Sunday, June 8, 2014

From Child to Parent: A Short Retrospective

When I was a child, you told me stories of Hell. Images of demons coming to get me filled my dreams. You are the cause. You spoke of your delusions as if they were true. I knew you were delusional. I knew you were fundamentally lying about reality. Once, you said, "Don't tell anyone about the things I've seen and the visions I've had." I never would. Not because you asked for my confidence, but because of the potential consequences that public knowledge of your episodes would heap on me. I never meant to love you. I meant to survive you. I never meant to carry on your delusions. I meant to rebut them with truth. I never thanked you for your abuse. I never will. It didn't train me in the way I should go. It fucked my capacity to negotiate and discriminate between healthy and abusive. You are the cause. I will not blame myself for these things. I will not self-attack and fulfill your dreams of my destruction. You are the cause.
I will not tell children that unless they ask for forgiveness they run the risk of dying that night and going to Hell, away from loved ones, away from Jesus. I will not ask you to love me, because you don't. I will not beg or convince you to love me, because you won't. And, even if you did, I wouldn't want it, because it would prove to you and me and my brother and sisters that you could have loved us all along and you simply chose not to. You have set this plan into motion. I cannot be blamed for the consequences of your actions. You want something that is not yours. Instead, I will give you respect in regards to your actions. I will choose to remove you from my life. Not because we don't understand each other, or because we disagree, but because you chose to abuse me and neglect my development as a human being. The sculptor cannot blame his dissatisfaction with his creation on anyone but himself. You cannot say, "Who created this ugly piece of shit?" I am not a hideous creation, but with no help from you. My virtue and intelligence and ability to reason and to love exists in spite of you, in spite of your constant negligence and active leading me in the wrong direction. You cannot have me. I am not yours. You cannot have my soul. It was never yours, though you have attempted to write your name on it indelibly.

7 comments:

  1. (from greg.L.R.) i see that your journey is continuing!

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  2. Bravo. I honestly have never felt so emotionally connected to a piece of writing before. It was as if you wrote down all of my thoughts into a perfectly articulated letter. Completely empowering. Thank you so much for sharing!

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    1. Hello! You're welcome! I'm glad this was helpful! I hope your journey is going well.

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  3. (from greg.L.R.) How's it going? Any new tales of newfound religious freedom?

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    1. Hi Greg! Thank you for the reply. And, sorry for the delay in responding. Everyday there seems to be new challenges, but life without religion is going very well. There have been so many changes in my life since I deconverted, and I'm so happy with and proud of my decisions. I could go into length if you'd like. Email me if you want to have a more extensive conversation!

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    2. (from greg.L.R.) Deconverted you say? I believe it is incorrect to say you "deconverted" unless you can describe the time that you consider yourself to have been converted (but perhaps you can?) I propose (i.m.o.) the more correct term of "further enlightened" because you have become more aware of existing contradictory inconsistencies within the "mainstream" christian religion. Indeed; i would like you to go more into greater length... and now switching over to send an email to goddisorder at gmail dot com!

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  4. dude were you sexually assaulted or abused in your lifetime? do you do drugs? were you catholic? you got some crazy messed up christian doctrine floating around in your head, that sounds nothing less than heretical. i do pity you and hope that some day god will guide you in your journey. i'll help you a bit. read this: http://www.ntcg-aylesbury.org.uk/books/knowledge_of_the_holy.pdf

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