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Sunday, June 8, 2014

From Child to Parent: A Short Retrospective

When I was a child, you told me stories of Hell. Images of demons coming to get me filled my dreams. You are the cause. You spoke of your delusions as if they were true. I knew you were delusional. I knew you were fundamentally lying about reality. Once, you said, "Don't tell anyone about the things I've seen and the visions I've had." I never would. Not because you asked for my confidence, but because of the potential consequences that public knowledge of your episodes would heap on me. I never meant to love you. I meant to survive you. I never meant to carry on your delusions. I meant to rebut them with truth. I never thanked you for your abuse. I never will. It didn't train me in the way I should go. It fucked my capacity to negotiate and discriminate between healthy and abusive. You are the cause. I will not blame myself for these things. I will not self-attack and fulfill your dreams of my destruction. You are the cause.